![]() ![]() WISE OLD STABLEMASTER: Hey, you’re that girl I used to know. Just like Alex told me not to do, because reasons. SARAH WHO IS READING THIS: Woah, spare my sensibilities & slow this wacky clown car! All these infodumps are giving me motion sickness.ĮLYSIA: I think I’ll take a horseback ride. Boohoo, woe is me.ĮLYSIA: Well, I suppose marrying you is better than having to work for a living.ĪLEX: Put your fugly dress back on. It will solve a bunch of nonsensical plot issues.ĮLYSIA: You’re a devil! And I wanted true love. Thanks for dropping this pretty girl in my bed.ĮLYSIA: Oh noes! Someone drugged my rum toddy.ĪLEX: Good, because I hate women. I loathe you with the unreasonable passion of a thousand fiery suns!ĪLEX: Of course you do, moron. What’s her name again?ĮVIL GUY NAMED JASON: Die, damn you! Or at least be ostracized from Almack’s. ![]() I’m planning to sabotage your social standing because you thwarted my marriage to some chick who was your ward for reasons that nobody bothered to explain.ĪLEX: Huh? Oh, that’s right.she’s not in this book. But it makes women crave my peen, so there you go.ĪLEX: Who are you & what is your function in this story?ĮVIL GUY NAMED JASON: My name is Jason, Lord WhoGivesaFuck. It’s a big freakin’ mystery that I might not bother to explain, like, ever. And apparently you’ve killed people with pistols.ĪLEX: I dunno. I have hawk-like features & fierce golden eyes. SARAH WHO IS READING THIS: Is it too early to be gripped by a nebulous sense of doom? Because this prose is terrible.ĪLEX: I’m the hero. LECHEROUS FAT GUY: Muahahaha! You haz boobies.ĮLYSIA: I shall run away so none of these people can find me again. And by the way, I’ve arranged a marriage for you.ĮVIL AUNT AGATHA: Yes, he’s a lecherous fat guy with three shrewish daughters. Here’s a long-winded backstory about how I’m a psycho bitch who holds grudges for thirty years. I raised Ariel since he was born & he let nobody ride him but me.ĮLYSIA: Who are you & what is your function in this story?ĮVIL AUNT AGATHA: I’m your evil aunt, & I loathe you with the unreasonable passion of a thousand fiery suns!ĮVIL AUNT AGATHA: Blah, blah, blah. I used to have a mother, a father, a brother named Ian, & a white horse named Ariel. I have flaming red hair & shining green eyes. (Includes spoilers & swearing, of course. MY MISUNDERSTANDING IS BIGGER THAN YOURS. The hero was a paltry rake who's one step away from stompy-ass Harlequin Presents idiocy, & the heroine was a standard "spunky" Regency miss who feels oppressed by "normal" feminine activities but loves to read & ride horses (still the favored template in genre HR). Everyone stands around yammering for 95% of the book before some crazy frothing-at-the-mouth villain takes over in a scene straight out of Scooby Doo. Minor personages are abruptly dropped when no longer needed. Backstories are repeated ad nauseam - except when key points are never explained at all, or other characters plop in with no prior histories whatsoever. ![]() The bulk is a mash of clunky infodumps, adverbial orgies, & sloppy writing with a wallpaper-thin Regency backdrop. This author is labeled one of HR's grande dames, yet I saw nothing to earn that title aside from the mid-1970s publishing date. But the flat characters & terrible writing are inexcusable. I'm well aware that Devil's Desire is the great-grandmother of many historical romances today, so I'm willing to let the predictable plot & cheeseball suspense slide. ![]()
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